The Bond - My Sister

(Left: Me, and Right: Cobie.... Most definitely doing something mean to me before this was taken)

 My biological sister is my best friend. Although it took us both growing up to realize this, I am glad to be at a place where I can confess my biggest hopes and deepest fears to her and know that whatever her opinion, it is only with my best interest in mind. She is the life of the party and still knows how to make everyone love her. I’m still the nerdy sister who has to try so incredibly hard to overcome every fear in my life. I have overcome so many of those fears with her in mind or her standing behind  me, sometimes taunting me to give me that extra push I need. When she struggles, I am there for her. We are more than biological sisters, we are the same. We have more jokes than I could ever have with anyone else. She has gotten me into more trouble than anyone else. Most importantly, she is the one person who understands me more than anyone else.

   

In those moments where my sister and I argue, we are able to see the aspects of our parents in each other and we end up laughing about it. In my worst of times she has held me and given me comfort that no one else is capable of giving. When I was pregnant and having complications, we came to realize that things weren’t going well. She called immediately and sat on the phone with me, just crying, because there were no words we could say to make it better. She was there when my daughter was born 9 weeks early and struggling for survival. She was at the hospital every day with me. Equally, I was her birth partner for her first baby, and held her through the whole process. She moved away once, and it was too much to bear. The distance hurt, so we found ways to communicate throughout the day. We watched TV shows together and then would text or call whenever we had the chance, just to have that connection like we were still hanging out together.

            

My sister is everything that I like and dislike about our mother, and I am everything that she likes and dislikes about our father.  This leads us to have conflict at times but we are honest enough in our relationship to admit that love is not affected by an argument. Our love for each other is unconditional and that makes us able to tell each other when we’re wrong and encourage each other when we’re right. Although we are so different in our lives, we still love to just be around each other. Even when we’re not talking about anything specific, it is her company that brings me comfort. She doesn’t realize it but even as an adult, I love to be in her home, just looking through her perfumes, nail polish and make up, trying desperately to understand how she is so wonderful and womanly, while I am very basic, and lack the general effort to indulge in “pretty things”. She has always been the beautiful one, and I was just a poorly attempted mimic of her.

            

(Left: Cobie and Right: Me.... this is the love we have for each other)

I define her as “sister” to distinguish her from those who don’t have the biological connection. I hold her up higher than any other because no matter what connection I may have with other sistahs in my heart, she is in my DNA and there is no closer bond than this. I love her with all that I am, because she is me, and I am her. 

The Bond - My Cousin Alaina

(Left: Me and Right: Alaina... matching outfits from about 1997...lol)

Some of my cousins became close with me at different points in my life. Alaina always has been my closest cousin. We connected on the most positive of levels. We were a team. She was the one who showed me the value of education. I was always jealous of how incredibly smart she was. She hit university first and exposed me to university life. She showed me the fun and the work involved with furthering her education. She took me to parties with my fake ID and we danced the night away. She wasn’t too proud to come to my high school and hang out there too. She had my back no matter where we were.

She was also the one who dried most of my tears because we were so close during that teenage emotional stage where every relationship feels like it’s the one, only to break up within weeks. Every break up, she would tell me how he didn’t deserve me and how God had something better planned for me. She would get me up and out and find us some matching outfits and we’d be having fun before the conversation had a chance to finish. We all need a sistah like this, who can kick your butt into gear when needed. Someone who can laugh at all the same things and feel your pain as if it’s her own. Someone who won’t judge, but just loves.

(Left: Me and Right: Alaina, the night she told us about her 4th pregnancy and we celebrated her newest bump)

            

Over the years we drifted when we grew to have our own families, but I still know I can call her if I need to talk. Whenever we can make arrangements to get out of the house at the same time, we take that time just to sit and catch up. The fact that we are cousins makes this easier because we can get together with the whole crew and it feels like home. This bond allows me to be myself and be raw with my emotions with her. This is the purest form of sistahood.  

The Bond - My First Sistah-Friend

(Left: My Cousin Tereza and Right: Me, at her 2nd Birthday Party... I was trying to blow her candles out)

Although I have one biological sister, we were 4 years apart and that difference made her want to avoid me as children. I count my cousins as my first sistah-friends because we were closer in age and that pushed us together at family gatherings. 

My cousin Tereza was the same age as me. She was tough, and knew all the secrets about sistahood that I was too naive to understand. She took me under her wing and I was determined to be the best damn sidekick ever. We told everyone we were sisters and if they asked questions because we didn’t look alike we challenged with aggression. She taught me that when you run your mouth and talk hard, no one will want to challenge it. She showed me how to fight (although I never actually fought, she did when necessary). She knew my secrets. She protected me with all her heart. When someone wanted to fight, she stepped in with imaginary reasons why she should fight them instead. She always had bigger beef to settle than I ever could, and she managed to get us into and out of some sticky situations. To this very day I am thankful for her sistahood love. 

The Definition of a Sistah

I figure the best way to start this blog is with a poem I wrote last year. I was looking for the definition of "Sistah" because I was working on something else and I wanted to see what it said exactly. I couldn't find anything other than female sibling related answers and while I do have a female sibling, that's not what I mean when I introduce someone as my Sistah. I decided to define it for myself in a poem. 

The Definition of a Sistah

When I speak about the women in my life there has never been a question

There has never once been an occasion for verbal dissection

It’s always been as simple as “this is my sistah”

No need to get it twisted

But when I looked for definition

I can’t find any recognition

For the women I call s-i-s-t-a-h

(That’s just the way I spell it)

But no matter which way I tell it

You know I’m not talking about a female born to my mother

It’s along the same lines as “brotha from another”

It’s not necessary for blood to connect us although sometimes it does

This is friendship based on a foundation of love

And maybe that’s the symbolism behind it all

I want people to understand just how close we are

Giving light to an unseen connection

It’s a term of deep affection that I give out carefully, and only when earned

With the remaining factor - that this love is returned

This bond is something closer than just friendship

She’s that firm hand that forces me to get a grip on reality

When the dreamer in me starts to fly away

She knows just what to say

Even when I don’t want to hear her

But just being near her

Brings me comfort in knowing she always got my back

And whatever I might lack

I guarantee she makes up for in one way or another

That’s why I love her

Cause I only gotta be me and she accepts that as perfection

The term sistah means protection

And she is my reflection

Cause she always throws things back at me to evaluate

Her opinion carries more weight

Then anybody else’s

Her knowledge = wealth

And I can’t begin to tell you how rich she would be if she got paid for handing out life lessons

It is a blessing

When women friends care enough to turn friendship into family

And that’s how it’s supposed to be

Cause I imagine the term sistah has deeper roots then this

Beginning with cracked whips

We were forced from family and had to create our own

And we must have known

That the connection was deeper than just coming together out of necessity

It was a safe place for us to be

Where we were loved and respected even if the whole world refused to do the same

And the importance of the name

Was not just that we identified as friends and family

It was how we came to be

And where we planned on going

Because with my sistahs I would always be growing

Simply because they took the time to nurture me

And generations ago “sistah” could mean “free”

Black women joined together to clear the path to the underground railway

“Sistah’s” visiting meant a black woman had a safe place to stay

And if I wasn’t brave enough to run

You would be standing behind me with shotgun

Cause you would never leave your sistah behind

You’d give me clarity of mind

Directing me with hidden clues in quilts sewn by hand

You could put me on a path to a free land

By hanging your hard work on clotheslines for me to see as I ran past

And sistahs would sacrifice themselves and agree to go last

Cause I would gladly take on anything

If I could bring some measure of safety to my sistah

So we fast forward ahead to when racial segregation

Still took place in education

You knew sistah meant a connection and a safe place to be yourself

We’d find a sistah nurse when we had questions about our health

If I couldn’t feed my family

I’d find a sistah cook

And if I didn’t know how to read

I’d find a sistah with a book

Cause sistah meant trust, and love and care

Even if we didn’t know each other, you knew I was there

The same way we still acknowledge each other with simple greetings and head nods

And we could travel like a squad

Militantly reciting messages of support to make sure we all hear it

There’s nothing to fear

When you’re with your sistahs

And today sistah means strength

She is only as far as my arm’s length, or a phone call from whenever I might need her

I can succeed with her

Because her motivation is sometimes all that’s required

To get me all fired up

Sistah means love’s pure power

Because negativity gets devoured simply by being in her presence

She is still standing behind me with shotgun

When I need to run and can’t find the strength for my legs to carry on

And she is wary on the topic of anything that might not be best for me

She will protest for me

Because of everything sistahood represents

She is a series of life events

That connected us at vital points of meaning

Never leaning but always lifting

She is a gift

And that’s why I call her sistah

-JNP